So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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