just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
