We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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