I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
