Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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