The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
