So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
