I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
