I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
