i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
