On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
