I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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