The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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