So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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