soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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