I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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