I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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