she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
