sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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