If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
