A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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