I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
