oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
