Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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