The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
