Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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