my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
