We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
