I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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