that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize