you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
