That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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