Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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