my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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