I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
