You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
