I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
