Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
