i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
