This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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