OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
