We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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