you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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