if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I touched a dick in church today