i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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