need another drink. this is the easiest way
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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