I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
