The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
