Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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