I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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