I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think my vagina is haunted
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
