Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
